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Season of Brokenness

Written by April Dawn White

Walking into church, my unmasked face revealed swollen eyes and a battered spirit. I realize brokenness is not a word, but that word aptly describes my season. 

Over the past six weeks I have been sick multiple times. I’ve struggled with feelings of inadequacy in my parenting, writing, my career as a pharmacist, and in my friendships. I’ve suffered the blow of three friends announcing their move to distant places. (This makes eight friends who have moved in 2 and ½ years.) And most recently I was in a car accident.

I felt attacked; spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

“Lord Help!”

There was a spiritual war raging around me. God was allowing the Enemy to attack several areas of my life. Even my dreams were under attack. But I fought back quoting:

“Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee.”

(James 4:7, author paraphrased)

Walking into church, my unmasked face revealed swollen eyes and a battered spirit. I couldn’t even face my prayer warriors. I skipped Sunday school and arrived at church just in time for the service.  My emotions were too raw and close to the surface. My shield of faith was dinged and my sword was marred.

Earlier that morning I spent time with the Lord meditating on my verse for 2015:

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

(Hebrews 6:19, NIV)

This year I’ve focused on the first part of Hebrews 6:19. But on this particular day I meditated on the second portion of verse and the following verse:

“And which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us.” (Hebrews 6:19-20, NASB)

I had been doing a fairly good job at masking my brokenness. Only my family and my closest of friends knew of my pain. In my red chair Sunday morning, God reminded me that I was not alone in this veiled place. Jesus had already entered behind the veil before me. According to Hebrews 6:19-20, Jesus was already there waiting for me.

At church that morning, the praise team led the congregation in singing “Cornerstone” by Hillsong. When I heard the chorus referencing my anchor and the veil I fell to pieces. This song was followed by a time of meet and greet with one another. Nicki, one of my friends who is moving, hugged me. Again, I fell apart.

I returned to the pew, wiping away tears and smeared mascara. Then I heard the familiar chords on the electric guitar. “No. No. Not that song”, I prayed. By God’s divine planning, the praise team played my favorite song, “How He Loves Us” by the David Crowder Band.

I was a hot mess. Sinking into the pew, feelings of abandonment eased as the church serenaded me “How He Loves Us.”  

God continued to soothe my battered heart by Pastor Rich Hart’s sermon. He spoke of Christ being our Good Shepherd leading us to green pastures. (I will share more on this in another article.)

The beauty of broken is that God can restore anything broken. The Lord doesn’t place an elastic bandage over the problem. Instead, God binds up the wounds and heals from within.

I am beginning to heal from within.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

(Psalm 147:3, NIV)

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