“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?”
Those words penned by King David in Psalms 13:2 accurately describe how I feel. For over a week now and for reasons I cannot explain, I have felt emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained.
Usually, when I feel the stinkin’ thinkin’ setting in I send out an A.P.B. to my friends and ask for prayer. However, this time I knew I had to wrestle it out with God. I found myself saying the very same words as Jacob when he was wrestling with God in Genesis 32: 26,
“I won’t let you go, until you bless me!”
I’ve been hanging on tight and not letting go. I’ve been scribbling page after page in my prayer journal and rereading each one of the promises of God I shared last week. Aloud I would say “God, just like Jacob, I am NOT letting go until you bless me!”
Last night the blessings came!
Somehow I knew the answer would be found in the book of Psalms. How did I know that? Because I know. Ten years ago I sank into a deep depression after our son was born. God’s Word and His Word alone delivered me out of depression! Slowly but surely God pulled me up out of the pit of depression until one day He said “Enough!” and yanked me the rest of the way out of the pit! Then he poured concrete into that hole so I would never go back there again.
Knowing the answers would be found in the book of Psalms, I began reading in Chapter One and continued reading for thirteen chapters when I found this verse that accurately described my current circumstance.
“How long Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart…But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.” (Psalms 13:1-2, 5-6)
In my prayer I said “Yes Lord that describes how I feel, but I’m still not letting go until you bless me!” (Oh, how I wish I could attach a sound clip to this post, so that you could hear the intensity in my voice when I say with clenched teeth and fists pounding “…until you BLESS me!”) I kept reading for sixteen more chapters. In the very last verse of Psalms 29, I found my blessing.
“The Lord gives strength to this people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”
Perhaps you don’t understand my need to wrestle with God. Often our kids will beg us to wrestle with them. I typically pass that baton over to my husband. He is strong enough to handle the kids jumping on his back and hanging onto him. Whenever my real-life-hero-husband tells the kids “okay I’m done” he always finishes the wrestling match with a big hug. They love wrestling with daddy.
For weeks now, I’ve been wrestling with my Heavenly Father and Psalms 29:11 was his hug to me.
“May you and I be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith.” (Romans 1:12)